With most blogs, the first post is usually about the author and a quick introduction. Well, you will soon find out this is not your normal blog and can be slightly unconventional when it comes to the “this is how you blog.” That being said, my priority with this blog is to be my most authentic self which often goes against the grain of an internet presence is.
But as we move on with the true topic at hand….
As a mother, wife and eldest child, I often feel like I am always making someone else or something else a priority over my own wishes and health. Now as a believer of Jesus, some may say “that’s your purpose, to serve as Jesus did,” (that is true, but…) and my response is even Jesus stepped away to be alone and pray. Nevertheless, I can forget or am too tired to even step away and be alone or get my cup filled. That feeling has been one that I have walked with for quite some time, getting in a few hours here or there a week to really disconnect and fill my cup. Usually its an hour in the morning as I study the Word and an hour or so at some point while I work out. But really being intentional about doing things that I love, chile, on most occasions I am far too tired after work and all the things that all I want to do is shower and rest.
I can honestly say there are very few times in my life as an adult where I felt as though I was a priority to someone I love. I mean a real priority. Like someone really picked up what I was putting down (more than likely in a silent way) and said to themselves “let me truly and genuinely check on Andrea.” In my thoughts, when people do that, it’s not because they can sense my angst or that I may be going through something, it’s usually because I have not catered to them in some way. For example, haven’t reached out via call, text or social media; didn’t have the space to stroke an ego or encourage; felt so exhausted I could barely listen to or laugh at a story or joke…just not present for them so they decide to say “wait, my needs are not getting met. Let me see what is blocking her from catering to me.” – again, these are my thoughts and I am probably 65% correct.
In all of that space, I have not felt very prioritized or even noticed and I didn’t recognize that until I went back home to Georgia this past weekend. Getting off the plane, I felt immediate joy. Chile, the air was even refreshing. My family made me feel so loved, special and attended to. Now, this could be because this was my first time home in several months so they missed me but nevertheless, I was seen. I felt so loved…genuinely and not conveniently. I was able to breathe, my daughter was able to breathe and just bask in the presence of our family. It has been the most refreshing thing I have experienced in several months.
It was heart warming and heart breaking because I knew that feeling would leave when I returned to my “temporary assignment” of going back to Texas. When I stepped off the plane, I had to check my emotions because I started to slip into a depression. I was irritated, annoyed and almost disgusted. I wanted to go back home.
As I always do, I started having a conversation with God. I was saying, if I could just feel like a priority all the time, if I could be chosen all the time, if I could be seen in the same way I prioritize, choose and see others all the time, I would be so joyful. And God said to me “Am I not enough? I chose you. I chose you before you ever entered your Mother’s womb. I gave my son for you and I did it by choice. I prioritize you every time I give you another day and allow you to walk the Earth that I created. Recognize that and don’t put your trust and needs in the hands of others because they will disappoint you. I won’t…it may feel like I disappoint you at times but understand it is my protection and grace for you. You are enough for me, now make me enough for you.”
That shifted my heart and I had to repent for looking to this world for love and comfort. Now, are we supposed to have community and a village to fill us in the natural form, yes, absolutely. It is the very reason Adam had Eve. We are built to live among others in a healthy and positive way. Our need to be prioritize by human form should be secondary to the priority that is always given to us by God.
In the flesh and the natural it is important for us to prioritize ourselves FOR. SURE. So as I work to put me first at least one day a week, I encourage you to do the same. Let us always remember God has us, we have ourselves…the rest is all bonus.